I sit home on a Friday night unexpectedly. My plans fell through / blew up in my face. I sit at my pc, with a glass of wine, nibbling on nuts, as my children rest quietly and my husband is on his way home. Life is good.
I truly enjoy the peaceful quiet time at home. It’s relaxing and is the perfect setting for new ideas to brew and percolate.
I’ve had a little epiphany but I’m having a really tough time implementing this newest life lesson. It’s like yoga. I practice.
Here’s the epiphany:
I’ve got to show up as ‘Joni’ in life, not ‘Joni with Parkinson’s’.
You know that saying?
“Dance like nobody’s watching, Love like you’ve never been hurt, Sing like nobody’s listening, Live like it’s heaven on earth.”
I’d like to change the last line to:
“Live like you don’t have Parkinson’s.”
You see, living from the energy/place that I have a degenerative disease makes me feel, ‘less than’. Here’s an example – a personal trainer tells me to stand on a Bosu ball. My immediate inner voice is: “I shake. I can’t balance. There’s no way I can do that. Are you kidding me?”
I have numerous similar situations. I can go on, and on, and on.
Thinking I can’t do something due to a shitty diagnosis does not serve me well at all. It gives me the OK to play small.
I’m grateful for all I learned teaching intenSati years ago (align your thoughts, feelings, and action with your life’s intention). I know I get to choose my thoughts to serve my greatest intention. My greatest intention is to be healthy and fit. I jumped on that Bosu ball today, as strong, healthy, fit Joni, and balanced and wobbled as I did my shoulder presses. Success!
That’s one success followed by failures.
I had tea with a friend of mine today. When she asked how I’m doing, I began sharing with her about this epiphany of living life like I don’t have Parkinson’s. Well, SH*T! If I’m living like I don’t have Parkinson’s, why the hell am I talking about it?
Oh no, it gets worse . . .
I saw an old friend while I was out to tea. We greeted one another, she shared her life update briefly, and asked me what’s new. Well, epic FAIL! The first thing out of my mouth was, “I don’t know if you know, but I shake. I’m managing a low stress life style.” UGH! How pathetic!
I obviously have lots of work/practice to do on this. . . .
But you know what?
It gets even worse . . . . .
This blog, this year is about my dealing, coping, managing the disease. If I’m truly going to live life fully, as though I don’t have the disease, should I close up shop and stop blogging?
I don’t think so. That doesn’t sit well in my heart.
I share. I process. I practice authenticity.
This is what I do.
Keep practicing! But trying to ignore the elephant in the room doesn’t make it disappear. You are a wonderful, talented, gifted loving person who also has a diagnosis. I would suggest that you don”t try to live your life as if you don’t have it- just live your life. Aren’t you the lady who taught women to pole dance before anyone else was doing it? You taught me in a dance class even when I was the only one there! You have a diagnosis. But that doesn’t mean you ARE a diagnosis. what you are is fearless, loving, fun, Joni. The shaking is part of you but not all of you- acknowledge it and the frustrations and fear that it brings; but also acknowledge all the other amazing things that are a part of you
too! That’s what I think anyway. Barb
Barb, you are the sweetest. YES, I agree with what you shared, but it’s difficult to wrap my head around it all sometimes. This was how I was feeling at that moment when I sat down to write and share.
Thank you so much for posting.
Huge hug for you!