It’s been awhile . . .

Dear Penelope,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written you.

How do the meds feel? Do you hate them? Do you hate me?

I know you’re still here. I pause. Why exactly are you still here?

I’d like you to leave, but yet you stay.

I was once asked to leave, so I left. It hurt. I was surprised I was asked to leave. I didn’t want to leave, but I did indeed leave.

Why are you different? Why don’t you operate like me?

Your visit here obviously impacts me daily. I take meds because of you. I shake because of you. My right hand assists my left hand because of you. I discovered my love for hiking because of you. I experience heightened self-doubt when I make a mistake (fearful my mind is slipping) because of you. I struggle as I type because of you. I have a bigger passion for life because of you, due to my fear of you being with me forever. I have a few new friends because of you. I’m writing again because of you.

I’m sharing my story about your visit because in my soul, my essence, my heart, my spirit, I know . . . . . I struggle for the right words to express what I know. I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing – hmmmmm . . . . . I don’t believe in ‘supposed to do’ anything. I guess I simply choose. I’m using my power of choice. I’m sharing my story about your visit because in my soul, my essence, my heart, my spirit, I choose to share my story – NO, that’s not right. In general, using the power of choice resonates with me BIG TIME, but not this time. This is different. This is simply a knowing, a certainty, a feeling I have – to express and share. I’m going with it. This is new to me. I think I like it.